As I have mentioned before, last year was a tough year. It was full of much stress. It was when I began to come face to face with the fact that something was off. I started to wonder, could I have some type of depression? My energy was non-existent, I struggled to get out of bed each day, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sure, I had my good days but this was the overwhelming norm. If I mentioned any of this I was often met with replies like, “Welcome to having kids!” or “Get used to it.” Implying what I was going through was normal for a busy homeschooling mama. But on random social media sites I would see mamas of many, that were much busier than me, enjoying their lives. Enjoying their families. I wanted that so badly … mostly because I had that joy before.
Going through times like this and not really knowing what is wrong with you isn’t easy. I often thought, am I just lazy? What is my problem? I felt hypocritical. I wanted to me a stay at home mama, I wanted to homeschool my kids, I begged God for these things while I was a single mama. He graciously gave me those things and this was how I responded? I was often ashamed of my behaviour. Shouldn’t Christians be joyful? Why am I complaining … I know I deserve worse as a sinner, so shouldn’t I be happy no matter what? These thoughts constantly swam in my mind. My relationship with God grew very distant. I was confused by everything.
During this time my relationship with my husband suffered tremendously. We became little more than room-mates. No, we didn’t fight constantly or yell … we just were. It was as if a numbness had overtaken our relationship. We still laughed occasionally, but mostly we just got through the day. If I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me or how to talk about it … how could I talk to him about it?
I longed for Ohio. I had convinced myself I just needed relationships. Since moving here I haven’t really made any close friendships. I have a lot of friends at church, but most live an hour or so away from where we are, so I am out of that loop except on Sundays. And, well we don’t do extracurriculars or anything like that. It isn’t in the budget. Since September, we have been a one car family, so traveling during the day isn’t an option anyway.
There were also plenty of family stressors happening. We are a blended family, which often times implies extra stress. Last year those implications showed themselves to be true multiple times. We also had a new baby last year. So as you can see all this plus post-pregnancy hormonal issues formed the perfect storm.
I can’t remember when I began to accept that I was most likely depressed in some form or another. It hasn’t been that long. I tried to help myself, but I really didn’t know how. Finally, a week ago I met with a local Herbalist. My intake appointment was 1.5 hours long and it was like an answered prayer. Yes, there are things wrong with me … I’m not just resigned to being miserable and tired forever because I’m a mom (as some people suggested). Better yet, she could offer me help. Walking out of that appointment was the happiest and most hopeful I had felt in a long time.
Now I am beginning the next step of the journey: healing. God is merciful. God is good. He never abandoned me. And while I may rightfully deserve death and Hell, He offers me grace and healing because of my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ.